IAMX - Tear Garden (Live Acoustic)

I do evil things and evil things return (c)



send me home.

oh!

I've just remembered that as soon as it's the 1st day of September tomorrow I should give my school teachers a visit. So apparently I am going to meet them and my ex-classmates tomorrow.  

one photo per day.

After a good deal of thinking it over, I finally decided to start the project 365 (yes, me too, is it a kind of herd instinct?). So, you're invited to check my flickr photostream: welcome.

I also hope you will take a look at my breakfast photos. I am very fond of breakfasts.

 

I realised I haven't listened to them for quite a long time.

And missed them. A little bit. Didn't I?

And this was shot in Prague! Beautiful Prague. 

Seem like I've already said goodbye to this summer a countless number of times, it even starts to sound lame, but now it's oficial. This is the last day of summer 2011. Nothing else to say.

Hello, September.

I watch my dreams coming true...

...in someone else's lives.

Back.

The Freshman Day was fine. The beginning in that overcrowded was quite boring and noisy, but then the performance began and it was really good, i liked the acting (and I'm so carping about such things!) and the visuals, people who worked on it did an awesome job. I imagine how much time and energy (mental ans physical) it took! What fascinates me is the fact that they have a whole concept and follow it in everything - visuals, graphics, design of brochures and invitations.

But I feel like I could've (and should have) been more enthusiastic and shown more energy. Maybe I am just stuck on that feeling, that marked my whole summer - feeling of a standby? And I still wait and can't stop waiting and can't feel the certainty that i craved so much? 

should i really tag it as "studies"?

There's gonna be a celebration in honour of so-called "Freshman Day" - some concert or theatrical performance, eh, don't know, followed by a party. I am curious to see what they prepared for us and to meet people from other faculties (there also should be some people i know but haven't seen in a long time).  And yet I can't say that I really want to go. I more  see it as a duty than fun. 

I swear I am not an antisocial homster, I swear. I'm just really strict about differentiating my spare time and my student life. Well, too early to be that strict as I hardly know anyone there? Okay, I am being cunning, I'm curious to see this stuff, I honestly am.  

P.S. I am not desperately against parties but I am not crazy about partying with people I see everyday (going to see?)/

Oh, Andy.

Not, it's not going to be a day of picture-spam. I will write something proper.

but this happens everytime!

belongs here

When I looking over the old pictures I remember all I used to feel so, so good that it gets creepy. Time is running way too fast. I forget words, people, thoughts, everything but feelings.

Some of my old piques crawled in my chest and still live, harming my ego from time to time.

just to remember.

I really want to read that book written book Maxim Gorky, "Creatures That Once Were Men". It just popped into my head. I'd started reading it but then gave up for having no spare time. Now I have some time (hopefully! as the studying begins) and I crave to finish this.

Maybe Gorky is not my ultimate favourite author, but I still like him and like his language. I feel like the book I mentioned is worth reading.

I find this photo to be funny.

taken by Oleg Mishunov.

Korn Creep Radiohead Cover Live, MTV Unplugged 2007

well, this is not as good (good? perfect! breathtaking!) as the original version but not bad too. definitely not bad.

let's start the show!

Okay. Now, when I finished my lunch, brewed coffee and took a ripe saturn peach for s dessert, I am able to write a tiny bit about the first University day.

I think I suck in describing my weekdays, all those daily chronics are not really my thing, but I will try anyway. Not the hardest thing to do.

I don't have a whole impression yet, which is understandable - this wasn't even a studying day, just a meeting where the organisational issues were discussed. We are all the pioneers in some way - it will the very first year of the philological faculty, wich opens only now. Nice to see how enthusiastic the team of professors is - I wish I had a bit of this enthusiasm. This is where the problem lies - I lack enthusiasm. I mean, I want to study, REALLY want, but I can't stop thinking and wondering if I am on the right place. If this all makes sense. If this pulls me closer to my main goal. This thinking takes too much of me, I should just enjoy the moment and do my best. Doubts never help.

Aha, about doing the best. I didn't fail the English test, hopefully. But, uhm, you know, I don't aim  on not failing, but aim on being one of the strongest. I'm kind of worried that I wrote a bit too much in a writing task, because I was supposed to write a paragraph and I scribbled rather four...or five little pragraphs? But it was about books! It never can be said too much about books!

Anyway. We will see. 

All the feelings in me are are either muted or exaggerated, almost no in-betweens.

I'm anxious before tomorrow. I better go to sleep.

The wind of change comes now.

Better than me.

I deleted several accounts of mine that i don't need, including the tumblr account! Oh-la-la, it feels good, I had to get rid of these unnecessary pages far before!  

Back home.

My family is amazing, supportive and loving. I realise that no one will ever care about me as much as they do and love me so much in spite of my countless flaws. I am really fond of them. That's why when I feel lonely, I also feel guilty - I shouldn't feel this way. I still do.

But sometimes I can't keep noticing how different we are and it's not only the gap between generations. Well, I do not speak about my Mom, we have quite a lot of similar features (not talking about the physical appearance!). 

And this difference is not always works as my advantage because I keep wondering from whom I inherited my unhealthy perfectionism. Or maybe it's still my advantage?

I am at my auntie's place, with the cat (Musya!) on my knees, waiting for the coffee to get brewed and feeling horribly underslept! Please, summer, when you go away, take mosquitos with you!  

Tomorrow the studying begins. Well, it's not the oficial beginning, we don't have any lectures. But I gonna meet the fellow students for the first time, as well as the dean and some of our future professors. We are already being tested tomorrow, they need to find out the level of our English and divide us into groups. I hope  my English is good enough but still can't stop feeling pretty anxious. 

At least I have a strong motivation to keep my English in tune.

I didn't feel myself fully awaken, but after a shower and with with a cup of coffee in front off me I feel much better.


I should give my relations a visit, actually, and I will, but I'm not really in the mood for this. I mean, hem, I want to see my family, to see my cat Pooh, but packing the things, driving somewhere as they don't live in Moscow, bad sleep at night because of mosquitos and all that jazz are not very inspiring. Okay! I'll be back tomorrow anyway, as I have to wake up early this Monday.

my dreams (or rather nightmares?) get really chaotic again. i saw deep oceans and cities on fire this night. psychologists would tell you more but I am not a psychologist and not sure if this should be connected with my inner state. 

I can't find a simple snake-shaped ring anywhere. I know this is not such a rare thing but I still can't find it, the only snakes I see are overloaded with cheap-looking crystals.

The Sod's Law is that I had the same ring once, but sadly the quality was poor and the snake's tail cracked out! Ew.

I love snake themed jewelry, it feels like a sort of protection for me, although I don't really believe in talismans - it's just when self-suggestion works.

 p.s. this is an old photo and, obviously, pre Alice-in-Wonderland party look. 

summary?

I intended to make a summary of this summer (omg, how it sounds!) but now I feel like I just don't want to do it... and there's not much to say, honestly. I am certain about the only one thing - this summer is not to be missed. I do not exaggerate, it's not the best summer I've had this far but I hope it gonna be worth it then.

A lot to remember and almost nothing at the same time. I failed in some way, but who knows?... maybe my failure is going to turn into my win one day. We will see and we will see soon.  

This is the last Friday of my summer holidays, apparently, and this is a relief in some way. I can't say that I'm fully recovered from the exhausting marathon of all the exams and University-enrolling, as it was stressful, much more stressful than this really should've been - but here's a lot of my fault, sooth to say.

But I want to be busy again, cause having too much spare time makes me think way too much and create nonexistent problems in my head, which, with my maximalist's nature, is really destructive.  Moreover, I crave new impressions badly.

(с) Oleg Mishunov

No place like London.

I fall for "Sweeney Todd" again and again, every time I watch it over. I know the original idea doesn't belong to Tim, it's a famous English musical, but with Burton's twist it becomes special . Such a wonderful cast, songs, the gloomy image of London, costumes, decorations, everything works perfectly. And the plot as well that is deeper than it seems from the first sight.

And those characters! Fascinating how real they seem in spite of all the grotesque and theatricality of the story.

I applause.

Mr. Todd?

I wished some of my friends would've come to me place for ice cream and movies. and, so, now I'm waiting for my Alexandrina to (re)watch Sweeney Todd together.

It's just an accident that we're watching Mr. Burton's remake today, on his birthday, but we didn't choose the day purposely. This must be destiny ;D

Again. I should hurry.

52 years ago Timothy William Burton was born. Happy birthday, genius!



I wish it was a little bit colder so I could wear my leather jacket and a new warm scarf! Ha-ha, selfish mischievous me. ^_^

i got really hooked.

air panoramas.

Moscow.

foggy Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

the Land of Ice.

precious Mokum.

my hometown, virtual tour.

almost classic.

Freja is a pure pleasure to look at.

BREATHTAKING.

Manhattan bird-eye view

I've been described  as "still waters run deep" since the very childhood. I find this flattering.

I'm a coward. I wrote a long hysterical post and, apparently, hadn't enough courage to publish it - it had too much of my drapetomanic issues.  

I'm not idealistic. Escaping won't be a solution for so-called problems and, likely, the beginning of many other. I see.

But still.

After all, I'm Aries. Okay, I don't belive in astrology and I'm not really alike with what this sign is believed to be. Except of the stubbornness. Although i would call it "dedication".  

too much expectations followed by hope and then hate in the mess (c)

Seems like Chris wrote this song about London (i guess so, at least) but the only place that is in my mind when i listen to this is Moscow.

Oh beautiful town, I remember you blacker than night (c)



aha, aha.

Atychiphobia is the irrational fear of failure. (c)

now playing: the Horrors - Changing the rain.

i should better hurry instead of sitting here.

i still haven't given up the idea of learning dutch, by the way. But looking at my curriculurm I have no idea how i gonna manage to do this. i must be superhuman. 

mischief managed?

I fancied a night of good sleep but my plans very meanly broken by a noisy mosquito! Shame on you, mosqiuto.

i love all the versions of this song.

but Acda De Munnik are the best.

well,  Bowie's melancholic version is fine too but this just sounds better in Dutch.

I wish I could talk to someone right now. I'm not depressed, I just need someone to talk. The problem is that i can't call anyone and ask the to talk to me, I don't have enough courage and don't want to seem a whiner or a weaker.

I need someone to talk to me. And I've desperately needed these days.  

I only had 5 cantimetres of hair cut off  but can't stop feeling like it's short now. I know it's not, shoulderblade lenght is not short, for sure, but it still feels unusual. I wish i could grew my hair back in one night, like Harry Potter.

I know I am too self-concious. Anyway, my hair will be the same length again in a couple of months and those ugly fuzzy dry hair tips HAD to be cut off for they didn't look healthy and attractive at all.

Holy crap. Why do I like to complicate my life so much?

  

But all the mood swings still crack me out. Sometimes I want to give myself a good slap. 

Today.

I had a fine day, although got cold to the bones in the evening. Evenings are getting really chilly and I'm glad - I missed them and, moreover, have already warmed by soup and tea.

skills.

I'm starting to learn German this year in my University! Uber-excited and can't wait.

But at the sme time I have a dilemma. We start learning French only on the second year of studying, but I've already learnt french before, although my level is quite poor for several reasons. I'm afaraid that a year is long enough to forget everything I knew. I didn't want to take a tutor and I'm not sure if I will be able to keep my french "in tune" or maybe even improve it all by myself.

Yes, I know, I KNOW that I did a lot for my english, that's true! It's really improved in three years. But I don't have three years now. I have a year. And I also have to think of my history skills as well because this is my Achilles' heel - or might be.

Alright. We will see.

Ja-ja. I fixed the things up, now the dashboard and comments work perfectly.

WTF. I have troubles with blogspot, i had troubles with tumblr, seems like blogger networks hate me.

WTF. I have troubles with blogspot, i had troubles with tumblr, seems like blogger networks hate me.

Why am I not allowed to post comments? What's wrong with my account, huh?

The most exciting thing about meeting new people is the impression you make.

i recover only by changing the scenery.

Blood Red Shoes - I Wish I Was Someone Better

Found of the day.

Or I am not ready. I don't know. I am slightly puzzled.

It's the rare time when I'm not depressed about the autumn's coming. I want it to come. I'm ready. Now I'm sure.

And if I can't be far from here, if I can't change the scenery, I should take the best from this scenery.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission (c) Ghandhi

My close friend called me "self-sufficient" and said that I "feel alright out of relationship" and "don't need a couple to feel complete" but now I doubt if this is really true or I'm just get cold and stiff because I fear to have my heart broken.

Although broken heart should be a strong impulse for art.... writing in my case.

Garbage - I'm only happy when it rains.

#nowplaying: Garbage - Crush

i have freshly brewed coffee in my polka-dotted mug and lavender oil in my aroma lamp.
i guess i should download a movie and spend a nice day home.


seriously thinking about "Abel". Pity that i can't find the dutch version anywhere.

pour your misery down on me.

It has been raining non-stop since yesterday's late evening. 
I find a masochistic pleasure in such weather.

I want to have control.

i'm not sure

i'm afraid of failure because there're more things that I failed than things i suceeded in.

i am afraid that i might destroy everything I grab with my hands - not literally, but still.

i am afraid that if i get fond of someone i might destroy this person. i am afraid that if i let someone get close enough to my soul i will fall apart.

Hello. My name is Paranoid.

(c) photo by ADen

sometimes I miss his songs so much.

Good that it's never too late to turn the music on.

He's perfect in this video.

I'm bo bird. And no net ensnares me. (c)

I almost finished readinf "Jane Eyre" book written by amazing Charlotte Bronte. A damn shame that i didn't do thi before, her language is precious. And now i crave to watch the movies - the very first one as it it really close to the book, i know, and the newest one as Mia Wasikowska is a perfect Jane.

What the hell is going on with my blogspot? The "follow" button disappeared. Don't you recognise me, blogspot, dear?

Desiring.

I want to perfect myself my whole life until I'm old as world and when I'm old too. If only I not gonna die in 27 y.o. like a fucking rockstar.

Honesty.

Having sinicere intimate talks with mu Mom. I think I've told way too much, oops! But this is for good I am certain.




I have an image in my head again of what I want to represent, so...   a lot to do.

speechless.

not to offend Vanessa and Jamie but these two together were like an aliance of perfection. 

Golden Trio through the eyes of mr. Burton.

Siouxsie and the Banshees - Christine

eternal.
i admire this woman.

i must confess.

sometimes i find it not easy to identify myself with the one i was as kid, people grow, people change, it's ok, i haven't even changed that much, but i still read at the things I used to write when i find me childish diaries and notebooks, remember things i used to say and think and keep wondering if it was me.
i know this is so ridiculous but i can't help.

i went through lots of phases of self-identification but right now i just want to be in harmony with who I am. not sure if i manage to do this.

stuck in my head.

Don't go and lose your face
At some stranger's
...place
And don't forget to breathe
And pay before you leave (c)

Lay me down to crawl.

wind of change?

i want changes badly and at the same I am afarid to change anything. i guess that’s a national russian feature which one i hate and desire to get rid of.

“There isn’t a person in the world over whom the past gains such power as it does over me. Every memory of a past sorrow or joy hits my soul painfully and elicits from it the same sounds it once did … I am a foolish creature: I dont forget anything–ever!”

 A Hero of Our Time by Mikhail Yuryevich Lermontov

I have always admired Lermontov and this novel is one of my favourite things in Russian classical literature. Mostly because of Pechorin, he is such an interesting figure. What fascinates me the most is the fact that the novel was written so long time ago but it’s still surprisingly plausible

i'm only happy when it rains.

It was raining the whole night and now the weather is amazing - it's fresh and not hot at all. I am not very fond of of hot and humid summer weather. Although I can't be sure that the weather won't change in a couple of days.
But, please, no heat! I get insomniac when it's too hot and wake up feeling like angry cactus.

weekdays!

Okay, now as I imported all my whiny posts of the last three days here I can say a couple of words of this week's events.

• I've finally had my hair done. Nothing particulary special, just has this nasty dry hair tips off and dyed the darker roots. It's not such an event but it was supposed to do quite a long time ago, so... i'm satisfied. But i hope my hair will grow up to the same length again faster.

• I had a studio photoshoot!  (sounds cooler than it really is! this guy, a photographer, was finishing his courses in the photo-academy, it was the last day of his studies and the studio was free, so…why not?).  Photos are to come yet but i'm certain they are going to be fine. Anyway, it was a powerful for my confidence - a good thing before the beginning of the academic year but I'm still afaid that uber-self-concious me will win.

I have a complicated relationship with my-own-self.  Complicated and very changable.

starting point.

i don’t know how to call this feeling. there’re a lot of long beautiful words - drapetomania, wanderlust, but the truth is that this feeling never goes away. it’s my starting point where i always come back.

and, to be honest, three years ago i was certain that by the august of 2011 i will have been gone to a completely different and quite a certain place. but, apparantly, i’m still here where i am. and i have to wait. again. am i really doing anything but waiting?

i do, actually, but does it make any sense? will i ever be proud of myself?

confession.

please, don’t get it wrong. i love my homecountry (in an unusual way, though) and especially my noisy beautiful hometown, but the idea of living here for the rest of my life scares me to death.

life is not long. i want to take my chances. and i will.

join the masquerade.

Sometimes i’m quite good in pretending to be the one i’ve never really been. I keep forgetting which me is real. 

carachters.

i wonder how many images of me live in other people’s heads. it’s interesting, like a number of different charachters with some common features. but in general these carachters are probably very different, maybe even opposite.

i’ve heard such controversial opinions about myself! although most of the they just see what they want to see, not what really is. especially those who used to know the different Marti. but i grow up. i change. i can’t be a timid innocent primary-school-kid my whole life.

i don’t blame anyone for not seeing me, though. i get difficulties with describing my own personality too. the most certain thing is only “controversial”. can it be replaced with lovelier “versatile”?

mediocre.

i used to bleed rhymes and lines, what happened then? i can’t write a single bloody poem i get stuck on the first four lines. i used to blame this on my “busy year” but is this really the cause of my “writer’s block”?

i wrote quite a lot this year, actually. a lot of essays, compositions, tests. but no poetry. no little prosaic sketches. nothing for myself.

how could i become so empty, mediocre and uninspired?

Mokum.

It’s been three years (and even a bit more) since my trip to Amsterdam and I never stopped missing this beautiful city. It’s something absolutely special for me. I even feel related to the Kingdom of Netherlands in some way.

summer’s (almost) gone.

I have only 10 days (9 full days) of rest remained as the first oficial apponitmet of our faculty (we’ll meet each other for the first time and the deanery of the facultyas well) and on the 29th of August. 

I have mixed feelings about it.

Mostly because  it's been a weird exhausting summer this far. summer? it’s been a weird exhausting year. not like it wasn’t expectable - i had never thought this year to be easy, with all these exams, final tests, getting the certificate, enrolling to the University, etc.

But now, when it’s all finally over and i should just calm down and relax, i think I wasted way too many neurons on this. i’m still not sure if it was worth it, well, we’ll see.

Anyway i shouldn’t have been so nervous. If I stay cool  i can rule every damn situation, but when i get nervous i just spoil everything by overdoing.

I don’t feel like I’m over this topic so i gonna right a little bit more later.

But still a summer pic that should be here:

don’t forget to be the way you are (?)

my mind is kind of confused right now. this is no wonder for such a stage of life, when someone should make a lot of decisions (just to be certain - much more serious decisions than choosing between tumblr and other blogging networks), choose the way, when so much things change, when there’s so much ahead.

but sometimes I start to feel that i’m way too puzzled and mixed up with all the wondering if i’m on a right place, if i’m where i belong to, if my choices are right, if i have enough courage and strength to fulfill my dreams, reach my goals, if i am really a fighter and if not WHO THE HELL I AM.

because sometimes i doubt way to much. it’s alright for everyday things….maybe…but it’s not for the serious things.

okay. i better shut up until i said to much and started feeling ashamed.

when in doubt...

I firstly wanted to settle down on tumblr lands but wasn't sure if that really was my thing. i even made a blog there, but, you know, tumblr is more a place for picture-spam than for actual writing. I like posting media things that inspire me, that i like and find interesting, of course, but for me the main reason for having a blog is finding it a way of speaking, describing things, practicing writing and language skills, so… maybe tumblr is just not my place.

i hesitated on this question, not knowinf if I should trancfer my new-born blog here. jusyt coping my already written posts from there seems sort of silly, but... i've posted them all not earlier than in last three days so i really think they haven't become too "old-fashioned" yet. some of them are written today just several hours earlier. 

so, meet my posts!

what do you think? is blogspot/blogger a properer place for "real" blogging?

and i won't breath so you can recover (c)

This is not a new thing, but i find it very fascinating for some reason.

you know these days of music absorption?

i lie on the floor just letting the music go through me, through my my heart, mind, blood, letting those familiar lyrics crawl under my skin. getting high, as if music was a drug. 

i guess i’m extremely receiptive to music now, just as i am to books and movies. caused by a lack of emotions and inspiration, obviously?    

here i come.

hello, countless blogspot users.

my name is Marti, I am a 17-year-old philology tudent and I live in, probably, the most controversial country in the entire world, surrounded by hundereds of stereotypes. I’ll give you a hint: vodka, bears and (in better cases) Czar Peter.

I’m into: books, music (music is my sex), caffeineted things, art in every form, Amsterdam, creativity… to be continiued.

I don’t like: narrow-minded people, peanut butter, Twilight series (sorry, but i’m a Potterhead!), mayonnaise and cilantro. 

I desperately need a place where i can speak about the things happening inside and around me, so i'm looking for a place that can be a kind of a cosy assylum for me, in online version of course, and trying different blogger networks. Blogspot seems really fine.

So... welcome?