Life's full of surprises.

Want a joke? I got a mail from Tartu University yesterday - when I saw it in mailbox I didn't really suspect anything, but actully...

...one of the people that they had chosen for the conference declined their invitation. They wrote me, as I was the next candidate in their list. So, apparently...


...I am going to Tartu, Estonia. In a month. Huh.


I was so terrified! You know, it was just completely out of the blue, so unexpected! But I can't miss the chance.

I'm still freaking out, because I have to hurry up, I have a huge number of formalities to fox, with a visa and everything, but still - it must be great. And Imust not fuck up.

Let it be my 15 minutes of fame, not shame, PLEASE, dear Lord.

I haven't died apparently, I'm still here - I just didn't feel like writing. Things to tell?

- We had a lecture of a Stasbourg University professor. He speaks perfect Russian and is absolutly charmant - I guess we all  (girl part) had a tiny crush on him.

- After finishing monsieur Sartre's "The Nausea" (brilliant) I couldn't resist and succumbed to the desire to read Nabokov's "Other shores" over. And let me declare him as a Kinf of Inversions, because he is.

- I'm attending MM's concert in may.

- I feel like the Western History textbook is one of the saddest books ever - there's nothing that would be that good at breading the wanderlust.

- Deutsch gives me goosebumps. In a good way. And I have some curious plans for summer holidays, hmmmm, fingers crossed.  

The lazy week is almost over.

I reas Tom Stoppad, Jean-Paul Sartre, freaking out becaused of the upcoming study week, write the coursework line-by-line, watch the pre-election debates.

The president elections are this Sunday, so siclky predictable.

Well.

I got an answer from Tartu University - they haven't chosen me. Not sure of I am upset or not - this would be very stressful and I am fed up with stresses. But it would be good chance - and I've never been to Estonia. And it's also never pleasant to be rejected. However, it's not the last conference.

I found something that might be interesting as well (another conference - details later) - I need to check the things out and to talk them over with my supervisor before I decide anything.  

keep breathing.

The week's pace is much more relaxed and it'sa pleasant change. I can spend mornings wrapped in the blanket, with a cup of coffee or chai latte and chocolate covered prunes, reading something or doing the homework for English or German classes. The only day I have to come to the Uni at nine a.m. is Freitag, oh, I mean, Friday.

And now, as the first half of the thing is done, I can tell. I sent my apllication to the Tartu University - for participating in the conference dedicated to the Russian Literature and Culture. I refuse to call myself a "Russian philologist" or even a "Slavic philologist" (it's even less like truth), even the aspiring one, but I love Litereture - Russian too - I quite like studying philogy, I must confess, and I hope my work about Bulgakov might interest someone. Anyway, I need practice in such things and I've never been to Estonia - any of Baltic countries, actually, so it would be nice if they accepted my application. If they don't - nevermind. I'll try next time. We'll see anyway.


And! I am constantly freezing, the frost is bad, but I still prefer cold weather over cold. Yes-yes.  

+ bonus: super-serious face, so i'd rather you focused on my scarf.

I 've been so exhausted these days because of our crazy schedule that I ended up bursting into tears a couple of time, which is totally unacceptable. I blame it on the weather.

I want to some gallery because I long for art, I want peppermint cocoa and 24 hours of good sleep.

Well, I have lychees and instead of making dramas I better go an read some drama.

I can't miss the chance. I need the chance. I hesitated but now - I should not, I must not, I can't miss the chance.

The first week of the third module is gone. We have some new disciplines - I was somewhat excited about that. So, here they are - Theory of Literature, Theory and History of Culture and the subject dedicated to Translated Texts.


 I don't have the whole impression yet - it was somewhat incoherent yet, maybe except of the Theory of Literature (which was kind of interesting although the room was very hot and had no air condition).


The Theory of Culture professor's voice is very soothing and he is so calm and tranquil - it seems like even the world starts crashing behind the walls of the old building on Hitrovka he won't stop reading his lecture in such a soothing, comforting voice.


What for the Rules of reading translated texts, well, we'll see. The system seems weird - we have several professors to read the lectures of the course, which might be good and might be quite chaotic. But the list of texts is great, we start from Hamlet - and as much as I dislike Rome and Juliet (tut mir leid) I like Hamlet. I realised it, well, yesterday.   I read Hamlet in my early reaans - i must confess I like it much better now, trite as it is.

We will see, I tell you.

The rating is posted.  I hope to stay right where I am now and I am so hellishly scared. I need this. It's not the question of vanity, please, I must finish what still remains unfinished. I must. It keeps me suspened, I hung somewhere in the air. I have to keep the place as long as it is much better than I expected, I can be proud - but I am scared.

I want to Tartu. That's all I want (and will) say now.

I was hestitating and maybe still do, but I wan to go there. Not because if the place, but because of some special events.

Let's hope for the best.

places.

I think of places, different places. And I don't even mean the everlasting wanderlust, although I do have those little cosy nordic towns in my head and precious Mokum in my blood, I still don't mean that.

I think of... places. Of my schools, actually. Three of them.

With a gratitude but no nostalgia - of the first one, my primary school.
With a shiver - and, still, cold gratitude - about the second one, that gymnasium where I just did not fit in (thanks Heaven that I didn't) and from where flet desperatly. Funny enough, most of my ex-schoolmates that I keep in touch with are from there.

And the last one, where I graduated from. Lyceum. I must say, I don't miss school. Not for a second, and I won't miss, you must be sure.
Weird. Lyceum was not bad. I was not particularly pressed there - well, but it was mostly about studying and so on. Nothing more. It was a great change after the Gymnasium. I can't say I adored that place but I was quite tolerant and loyal towards it. Didn't much crtitise, didn't want to change the school, but after all it left me so... indifferent. It was an important step, something that I needed. I could breath free, could stop being suspicious, could stop feeling myself a black sheep.

It probably gave me something then? Yes.

I must thank T.N., thank V.S.m thank... don't know. Maybe all of the deserve being thanked.  

I looked through the recent picture of the lyceum's current pupils and I was a little bit taken aback - I mean, this place is already dead for me, non-existing, and they still go there, they study, gossip about the teachers, traunt the lessons, whine about the short holidays and traunt the saturdays.

Not me anymore, thanks God. I don't miss school, even having such a huge tendency for being nostalgic, I. DON'T. MISS. IT.

I don't know why I was taken aback. I get some Lyceum news from time to time, what's wrong then?

I shouldn't have said this.

Golden  years? The-best-darn-time-of-you-life-you-will-miss-these-years? Ha! Ha! But it's my problem - or not a problem?  I see so much people missing their schools but I am SO FREAKING HAPPY that I don't have to go to school anymore.

Even though I study harder then ever. And have less time than ever. And feel tired all the time and horrified by the amount of work. The only pressure is the rating system - and whatever, it pushes me forward. Well, I push myself forward!

The only person form the Lyceum I really communicate with is my literature teacher.
And whatever.



Somehow it's more personal that I expected it to be.




  

...I am to write the coursework, or rather adding that materials I managed to find in the Historical Library. Those old magazines, oh my. I can't boast of the particular affectation for the old press but I admit getting goosebumps when I received that selection of the "Ogonyok" magazine issues for (!!!) 1923.

Now I must work on the things I reprinted from there, but I'm being lazy and drinking coffee. Not totally unconsciously - I have the last free days of these holidays, I am trying to enjoy.


An energising video for you and for me.

I'm enjoying coffee and dates now before going to the library - I announce this day to be a Library Day, I intend to work a tiny bit with some books/articles and old newspapers (!), all in the sake of the coursework. I've already written a bit, but it's obsiously, not enough. So, still in progress.


Just a few days until the 15th! I am not as upset about the end of the winter holidays as I used to be as a schoolkid, but a tiny bit - yes.

Someone really sleepy.

And it's a bow behind my back. Under the tree I mean, not a sock or something.

PHEW.

I'm ought to write about the study week results, but I don't feel like going into details and will just tell it was a complete craze and I am inexpressibly happy it's finally over! I think I won't go beyong the bare facts. So, marks:

The key texts of Russian literature (19th, 20th centuries) - 10/10 for the exam, 9 - final.
History - 10, which is quite astonishing. I was like - wh-wh-what? seriously? Seriously. Ten.*
German - 9.
Basic linquistics - 9.
Philosophy - 8.

Not bad. Hope to get a proper place in these goddamn ratings.

*We've got an email with an attached list of our marks and there 9 is stated instead of ten - I had to write them and tell it's not correct and I have the highest mark in my record book, signed by O. Well, they actually send us this list to check before forming the ratings - check, using our record books. O. defined pretty clearly what my mark was and called me first because of that, so nothing to worry about.

I feel like I was kind of lucky this time, surprisingly. But anyway, I hope it's not only luck but a bit of my own merit. And it was immesuarably flattering to be noticed by so great philologists - in some way. I am grateful, I really am.

But still, The Unfinishe Thing is left on my hands and I have to do something with it. I was to succeed this summer. I didn't, but it gave me a push forward. Fascinating, how much the harmede self-esteem can do, huh?       

Seems like I really need to collect my thoughts and write a proper long post - I haven't had much time and energy for this recently. Study week is still in progress. I already have to exams passed. And some words are to be said:

I can't say I was particularly nervous about Monday, when I was passing Literature (it's mostly about the philological anlyses of test)... until the moment when I came to Uni and heard all the gossip (and facts) about the results of the previous group - only two nine-marks! And several fails. I hate all those pre-exam talks, but this, I must confess, was pretty disturbing.

Hell, it was so  s l o w.  I mean, I'd waited more than four hours before it was my turn to answer, but okay, nevermind, I know it was even harder for examinants than for us. I was very anxious while waiting, but felt quite calm, taking my paper with the questions, calm preparing, and even when I sat in front of three amazing philologists. I think that, desperately wishing not to fail and go home to have a nap, I've exhaled everything I new about that texts - and I saw they were satisfied, so was hoping for a 9-mark (well, for two nines, as there were two texts) - moreover, they compliment one of the works that I wrote, it was a poem analysis.

After the exam I was just flaking out and went home to have a shower, a hearty dinner and a good hot mug of tea, having asked to keep my mark in mind when it's annonced.

Guess what? 10/10! Ten for the 19th century and ten for the 20th - it's so suprising and so flattering! I haven't expected such a high mark.

Well, hopefully, the rest of the exams is gonna be fine too. I wrote a history exam this afternoon - it was not bad but could be better, probably... Okay, we'll see this Thursday. I pass German tomorrow and this is not so scary, but I wish I had time to prepare - and we have exams every day. Thanks Goodness I have a good current mark for Lingustics and don't have to pass the exam, so the Thu is relatively free - I still need to come to Uni with a record book. Marks for History will be annonced too. So no choice.

Enough for today. I'm going to look through the German grammar book and go to sleep. Gott, I love sleeping!

I pass Literature tomorrow. Good luck to me.


Let the fun begin!

Exam Fever.

Okay, the half-year is actually over (I've written a big German test and the Philosophie work on Conan Doyle's stories today), now the Study Week begins. Yikes! The more I think, the less ready I feel, but I don't feel as nervous before the previous study week - it was sooo wasy, though! This one is tougher, mostly because of the History exam, abouth which I'm quite worried - History is not my best subject.

The only consolation is my current mark for Linguistics course, it's 9 - but A.F. haven't checked the module essay yet, I hope it's fine. So it looks like I don't have to pass Lingustics and only need to bring me record book. Please, God of Linguistics, let the essay be good!


I sound nerdish and go to sleep. Gute Nacht.

I've sacrifised two hours of sleeping to write an English report on biotechnology but now it's finally over and, thank Goodness, I have 15 minutes for another cup of coffee and another couple of The Velvet Underground's songs before rushing to the German class. Luckily enough, my schedule this week is not so tight and I have time to study by myself - a good deal of things to do, the Study Week is to come. The very first exam is on Monday and I am kind of curious to see what is going to be like, as they didn't give us any questions in advance.     

I am tired. The week was somewhat relaxed - with a couple of unplesant events like an almost failed blietz-test. No energy for typing... Elena Kostykovich's lecture was good, I'm reading "Faust" over, the political situation here is a circus, I am terrified (by December and exams). I'm gone. 

Dadaism.

We have quite a funny task for tomorrow's Philosophy seminare - two groups are debating whether Marcel Duchamp's "Fountain" is a work of art or not. I'm in a defending team, we've made a speech and will do well, hopefully.

But heck, have you seen this masterpiece? It's an urinal! I really don't understand how people can get this seriously - and I bet Duchamp himself didn't. Though, I think he was an insteresting figure and art history. And had a lot of influence on it's further development - good or bad, but he did.

I have a topic for the courserwok!
I have a topic!
I have a topic!



Sorry. Couldn't resist.