I admit being a horrible blogger, but now I'm back for some time. A lot of things happened. Firstly, I celebrated my birthday - no actually celebrated. I went to the theater, and there was one of those modern things performed - it could be a risk. When I go to the theater, I much prefer the classicas plays, this is one of the few things where I am quite conservative. This play was not bad. It could easily become super-over-extended and, therfore, boring - if something didn't saved this. Someone. Haven't I mentioned my lught fascination with Alexander Gordon? Now you know.

  



Sunday was sweet and warm, because I met two of my closest friends, and we had a great time together, drinking wine, eating Tiramissu, playing some silly games and taking silly pictures. It's been a while..

 I must admit, that birthday is a great ground for some self-destructing reflexia. I do too much thinking these days. It's never done me good. And - probably it's gone worse with the beginning of my studies in HSE - I have an uncontrollable fear to be late. To waste my time. To miss the chances. It's disturbing.

By the way. I leave for Tartu tomorrow.

...I still feel like standing on a very shaky ground, but at least there is a ground under my feet - it's not floating somewhere in space like an ethereal, bodyless substance anymore.  

Life's full of surprises.

Want a joke? I got a mail from Tartu University yesterday - when I saw it in mailbox I didn't really suspect anything, but actully...

...one of the people that they had chosen for the conference declined their invitation. They wrote me, as I was the next candidate in their list. So, apparently...


...I am going to Tartu, Estonia. In a month. Huh.


I was so terrified! You know, it was just completely out of the blue, so unexpected! But I can't miss the chance.

I'm still freaking out, because I have to hurry up, I have a huge number of formalities to fox, with a visa and everything, but still - it must be great. And Imust not fuck up.

Let it be my 15 minutes of fame, not shame, PLEASE, dear Lord.

I haven't died apparently, I'm still here - I just didn't feel like writing. Things to tell?

- We had a lecture of a Stasbourg University professor. He speaks perfect Russian and is absolutly charmant - I guess we all  (girl part) had a tiny crush on him.

- After finishing monsieur Sartre's "The Nausea" (brilliant) I couldn't resist and succumbed to the desire to read Nabokov's "Other shores" over. And let me declare him as a Kinf of Inversions, because he is.

- I'm attending MM's concert in may.

- I feel like the Western History textbook is one of the saddest books ever - there's nothing that would be that good at breading the wanderlust.

- Deutsch gives me goosebumps. In a good way. And I have some curious plans for summer holidays, hmmmm, fingers crossed.  

I've just discovered that two of the previous posts are quite identical.

Okay, what to add? I want to throw out when I hear the TV-lies about the President elections and spend evening with Bulgakov's biographies.


And I really hope that Marietta Chudakova qould come to our Uni one day. And I's also like to see Irina Prokhorova. Well, this Sunday we're having a lecture by a Strasbourg University professore - sound curious.





Have to write a good deal of reviews recently.

I'm here, actually.

I'm writing a coursework, drink red wine, eat homemade cookies, read Jean-Paul Sartre, I hope I'm fine.

The lazy week is almost over.

I reas Tom Stoppad, Jean-Paul Sartre, freaking out becaused of the upcoming study week, write the coursework line-by-line, watch the pre-election debates.

The president elections are this Sunday, so siclky predictable.

IAMX ARE COMING, can I just repeat this, please? Chris Corner will be performing here, in Msc.


And by the way, I have a chance to go to UK or Germany for practising this summer, I don't want to miss a chance. I start to understand German better and better, but I guess it would be wise to choose Britain at this very moment.

MM, IAMX and Placebo come to Moscow.

Is it a joke or a blessing?



P.S. There're writers who make me wanna write.

Strange things going on inside my head: I am way too afraid to get attached, can't stop thinking the things over and it's sucking me in deeper.


And I guess Hemungway was very right when he said: "write drunk, edit sober" - maybe this would help me to let myself free?

Things are fine. Yesterday was pretty nice - I spent time in two very different companies:
1) with my fellow philologists, mostly girls.
2) on my friend's birthday, mostly guys.

A funny contrast! I wish I had more time for my coursework, by the way.

Oh I am  quite a chaotic one


My confusion shows as the holes in me (c)


My ribcage is to tight for all the rhymes I can't let out.

Tomorrow is a day off and it's almost unbearably things. And isn't it weird how you crave something for so long, but when it comes straight to you, you get scared?

I feel like changing the topic of my coursework - or rather narrowing. It turns out that "Moscow of 1923 in the works by M.Bulgakov and other Soviet authors" is quite a broad theme - interesting, though. I've already written something - well, maybe I've even written quite a lot - but it's so chaotic ans unstructured now. While working with my texts I've noticed a curious thing about Bulgakov's feulliotons and want to work with this motive, looking at the image of Moscow from quite a certain point of view. I am assure that all my findings will be helpful and all the time was not spent in vain. Maybe it's a somewhat daring decision, as there's no much time left, but still that's how I feel it should.

Here, by the way. is another conference I'd like to participate in, after I failed going to Tartu.

Okay, right now I finish the third mug of lemongrass tea (who could expect it to be so good? a rhetorical question, well) and go to finish my Deutsch and read a bit.
X.

I've read an article written by Maritetta Chudakova dedicated to the Soviet lexicon in "The Master and Margarita". M.Ch. is one of the most famous Russian philologists, specialised mostly in M.Bulgakov (but not only). People often criticise her for openly and obviously disliking and despising Soviet times. But is it something to be blamed for?

Actually the article, though finely written, made me shiver - because of the content. Liebe Gott, how disgusted I am by all the things connected with Soviet Russia. It's the blackest point in the History of Russia - although there were many, to be honest. I've never been particularly patriotic, neither I am now, but I am insanely glad that I was born after the USSR collapse.


Little P.S.: my plans are still relevany, hopes die last and so on. I decided something years ago not to give up easily. 

Anhedonistic tendencies.That's first.

The second - I seem to dislike people these days. Even those people that I generally like. I blame it on tiredness.

At least tomorrow is a fine days - two "Deutschstunden" and Culturology. Our Culturology professor has a wonderfully relaxing and soothing voice. And he tells such interesting things - I wonder why people seem not to like his lectures much and find them boring.  

Well.

I got an answer from Tartu University - they haven't chosen me. Not sure of I am upset or not - this would be very stressful and I am fed up with stresses. But it would be good chance - and I've never been to Estonia. And it's also never pleasant to be rejected. However, it's not the last conference.

I found something that might be interesting as well (another conference - details later) - I need to check the things out and to talk them over with my supervisor before I decide anything.  

I need some luck. And an Irish coffee wouldn't hurt.

Who gives a damn about Saint Valentine's day?

I let my emotions out today, and now I feel very embaressed. I obviously overacted and definetly said to much.

I had weird things curling and getting twisted in my had.

I was told thar I have an "unusual acent" when I speak English but "it doesn't sound like Russian".

We've had an evening lecture again, presented by the Labaratory of Linguosemiotics.

And, continuing this personal-pronouns-tradition: I'm glad it's almost Saturday.

I need something deep and philosophical to read - like Hermann Hesse. Let it be Hesse.

I woke up with a desire to go to Bergen a couple of weeks ago.

keep breathing.

The week's pace is much more relaxed and it'sa pleasant change. I can spend mornings wrapped in the blanket, with a cup of coffee or chai latte and chocolate covered prunes, reading something or doing the homework for English or German classes. The only day I have to come to the Uni at nine a.m. is Freitag, oh, I mean, Friday.

And now, as the first half of the thing is done, I can tell. I sent my apllication to the Tartu University - for participating in the conference dedicated to the Russian Literature and Culture. I refuse to call myself a "Russian philologist" or even a "Slavic philologist" (it's even less like truth), even the aspiring one, but I love Litereture - Russian too - I quite like studying philogy, I must confess, and I hope my work about Bulgakov might interest someone. Anyway, I need practice in such things and I've never been to Estonia - any of Baltic countries, actually, so it would be nice if they accepted my application. If they don't - nevermind. I'll try next time. We'll see anyway.


And! I am constantly freezing, the frost is bad, but I still prefer cold weather over cold. Yes-yes.  

+ bonus: super-serious face, so i'd rather you focused on my scarf.

I 've been so exhausted these days because of our crazy schedule that I ended up bursting into tears a couple of time, which is totally unacceptable. I blame it on the weather.

I want to some gallery because I long for art, I want peppermint cocoa and 24 hours of good sleep.

Well, I have lychees and instead of making dramas I better go an read some drama.

Old Oddities.

I miss fun times.

2010.

Well. In some way. Generally - I don't.

We are talking about schlaflosigkeit* on German classes and it seems like the causes of all disorders are restricted by stresses and overworking. I can't decide wether I work too much or too little.

*Insomnia.

skip it.

I write quite pathetic thing and leave them among all the other text files in my computer, feeling ashamed of them. I am fine, quite fine, but I feel so...decadent. This is the word.

This too shall pass. But I move cyclically. I get back to all the points. What's wrong?

Happy birthday, Christopher. Thank you for your breath-giving music.

I can't miss the chance. I need the chance. I hesitated but now - I should not, I must not, I can't miss the chance.

My body is against me.
I feel amoebic.
What's wrong?


35.2

The first week of the third module is gone. We have some new disciplines - I was somewhat excited about that. So, here they are - Theory of Literature, Theory and History of Culture and the subject dedicated to Translated Texts.


 I don't have the whole impression yet - it was somewhat incoherent yet, maybe except of the Theory of Literature (which was kind of interesting although the room was very hot and had no air condition).


The Theory of Culture professor's voice is very soothing and he is so calm and tranquil - it seems like even the world starts crashing behind the walls of the old building on Hitrovka he won't stop reading his lecture in such a soothing, comforting voice.


What for the Rules of reading translated texts, well, we'll see. The system seems weird - we have several professors to read the lectures of the course, which might be good and might be quite chaotic. But the list of texts is great, we start from Hamlet - and as much as I dislike Rome and Juliet (tut mir leid) I like Hamlet. I realised it, well, yesterday.   I read Hamlet in my early reaans - i must confess I like it much better now, trite as it is.

We will see, I tell you.

The rating is posted.  I hope to stay right where I am now and I am so hellishly scared. I need this. It's not the question of vanity, please, I must finish what still remains unfinished. I must. It keeps me suspened, I hung somewhere in the air. I have to keep the place as long as it is much better than I expected, I can be proud - but I am scared.

I want to Tartu. That's all I want (and will) say now.

I was hestitating and maybe still do, but I wan to go there. Not because if the place, but because of some special events.

Let's hope for the best.

places.

I think of places, different places. And I don't even mean the everlasting wanderlust, although I do have those little cosy nordic towns in my head and precious Mokum in my blood, I still don't mean that.

I think of... places. Of my schools, actually. Three of them.

With a gratitude but no nostalgia - of the first one, my primary school.
With a shiver - and, still, cold gratitude - about the second one, that gymnasium where I just did not fit in (thanks Heaven that I didn't) and from where flet desperatly. Funny enough, most of my ex-schoolmates that I keep in touch with are from there.

And the last one, where I graduated from. Lyceum. I must say, I don't miss school. Not for a second, and I won't miss, you must be sure.
Weird. Lyceum was not bad. I was not particularly pressed there - well, but it was mostly about studying and so on. Nothing more. It was a great change after the Gymnasium. I can't say I adored that place but I was quite tolerant and loyal towards it. Didn't much crtitise, didn't want to change the school, but after all it left me so... indifferent. It was an important step, something that I needed. I could breath free, could stop being suspicious, could stop feeling myself a black sheep.

It probably gave me something then? Yes.

I must thank T.N., thank V.S.m thank... don't know. Maybe all of the deserve being thanked.  

I looked through the recent picture of the lyceum's current pupils and I was a little bit taken aback - I mean, this place is already dead for me, non-existing, and they still go there, they study, gossip about the teachers, traunt the lessons, whine about the short holidays and traunt the saturdays.

Not me anymore, thanks God. I don't miss school, even having such a huge tendency for being nostalgic, I. DON'T. MISS. IT.

I don't know why I was taken aback. I get some Lyceum news from time to time, what's wrong then?

I shouldn't have said this.

Golden  years? The-best-darn-time-of-you-life-you-will-miss-these-years? Ha! Ha! But it's my problem - or not a problem?  I see so much people missing their schools but I am SO FREAKING HAPPY that I don't have to go to school anymore.

Even though I study harder then ever. And have less time than ever. And feel tired all the time and horrified by the amount of work. The only pressure is the rating system - and whatever, it pushes me forward. Well, I push myself forward!

The only person form the Lyceum I really communicate with is my literature teacher.
And whatever.



Somehow it's more personal that I expected it to be.




  

I am desperate. There are lines, but no sense at all.



 Thus city depresses me., even though I am bound to it.

Now holidays are oficially over - not counting today, of course. And summarizing it, I feel like they were not bad. Neither the best and not much of what I expected them to be, but still quite fine. I've done a decent part of the coursework, read some good (and not so) books, met my old friends and saw some interesting places - does not sound very bad. And yes, I've eaten chocolate much enough for weeks ahead.


The trouble is   me that I - as I wrote that August - recover only by changing a scenery. ...and I intended to add some more pointless whining but cnanged my mind. Cheers!

Tonight I fell in love with Bulgakov. Again.

The Master, immortal Master.

...I am to write the coursework, or rather adding that materials I managed to find in the Historical Library. Those old magazines, oh my. I can't boast of the particular affectation for the old press but I admit getting goosebumps when I received that selection of the "Ogonyok" magazine issues for (!!!) 1923.

Now I must work on the things I reprinted from there, but I'm being lazy and drinking coffee. Not totally unconsciously - I have the last free days of these holidays, I am trying to enjoy.


An energising video for you and for me.

I'm enjoying coffee and dates now before going to the library - I announce this day to be a Library Day, I intend to work a tiny bit with some books/articles and old newspapers (!), all in the sake of the coursework. I've already written a bit, but it's obsiously, not enough. So, still in progress.


Just a few days until the 15th! I am not as upset about the end of the winter holidays as I used to be as a schoolkid, but a tiny bit - yes.

Someone really sleepy.

And it's a bow behind my back. Under the tree I mean, not a sock or something.

I balance between nothing to say and too much to say. I probably better keep to myself all the things I was going to say - otherwise I risk to transform my poor blog into the Altar of Whining.

Bad thing: I hate my escpaism.

Good thing: I'm done with Machiavelli and free to read some Bulgakov. Hell yeah.

I'm drinking my late night linden tea and feel like writing a little. Today I've realised that I am - actually, generally - bored. And that I want poetry, I want art, chemistry, fireworks, inspiration, movement, emotions. Not in the negative way, you see what I mean.

To see more, to feel more - in better ways, to be open, as now I am somewhat aloof and stiffly, apatheticly reserved.

I want to achieve some of my goals - and let it be just one of the steps. That's way I better focus on the studies and... and not to be distracted. It's part of that self-perfecting I long for.

 But, but...

I want art, I want poetry, I want fireworks.

And I am generally, actually bored.

That's all.

And I have theatre tickets!

Back to Moscow - I've spent a couple of days with my family not so far from Moscow. Nothing remarkably interesting to be told, some vegetable-like days: I eat cookies (grandma's homemade!), read books and watch (or rather criticise) TV - sometimes.

Well, bow I am back - and have to get back to my studies soon (officially my holidays last til the 15th but I have a lot to do, especially with a coursework). I suppress the urges to do it now - I definitely need some rest, I've worked hopefully - hard and need to recover. So, I await some pretty days.

I love the fact that the Central Channel started showing over those BBC Sherlock series after airing the first episode of the 2d season - I've only managed to watch a couple of them and now I can make up for it. I can't day that I love it and can't say that I don't - I am curious. Very curious. I adore how irritating and unbearable their Holmes is! It's absolutely hilarious. How he likes to show off!