summary attempt and wishes.

I need to summarize the year and I literally can't! I've never known how to do this, recollecting all the things that happened during the year drives me half-mad.

It was an important year, life-changing, I'd say. Not the easiest one, this crazy january-febuary, crazy spring, absolutely frantic - if not  horrible - summer with a feeling of constant waiting, of sickening suspence and, after all, disappointment.

The craziest autumn ever, but not the worst one. Far not the worst. Adaptation and....

I've learnt so much in these four last months of 2011, and I don't only mean studies (this, surely, too), but just such a plentyu of things about myself. I think that some new sides of my character have been revelead, those that just had no way  out before. Good sides? Perphaps. Bad? Okay, maybe - in some way.

This year I:

Graduated. passed state exams, got enrolled to the HSE, completed two study weeks. 

I was anxious, I was disappointed, I was desperate, I was sceptical, I was apathetic, surprised, proud, excited, very tired, satisfied, suspicious, hopeful, miserable, astonished.

I had fun - yes.
I was sad - yes.
I've changed  - yes.   


And I am not afraid to let 2011 go. I am ready for a new year, having enough lugagge to take there, but hoping to leave some things here. Ready. Set. Go!


Happy Upcoming New Year. everyone!

Be happy and find satisfaction and harmony in what you do!

PHEW.

I'm ought to write about the study week results, but I don't feel like going into details and will just tell it was a complete craze and I am inexpressibly happy it's finally over! I think I won't go beyong the bare facts. So, marks:

The key texts of Russian literature (19th, 20th centuries) - 10/10 for the exam, 9 - final.
History - 10, which is quite astonishing. I was like - wh-wh-what? seriously? Seriously. Ten.*
German - 9.
Basic linquistics - 9.
Philosophy - 8.

Not bad. Hope to get a proper place in these goddamn ratings.

*We've got an email with an attached list of our marks and there 9 is stated instead of ten - I had to write them and tell it's not correct and I have the highest mark in my record book, signed by O. Well, they actually send us this list to check before forming the ratings - check, using our record books. O. defined pretty clearly what my mark was and called me first because of that, so nothing to worry about.

I feel like I was kind of lucky this time, surprisingly. But anyway, I hope it's not only luck but a bit of my own merit. And it was immesuarably flattering to be noticed by so great philologists - in some way. I am grateful, I really am.

But still, The Unfinishe Thing is left on my hands and I have to do something with it. I was to succeed this summer. I didn't, but it gave me a push forward. Fascinating, how much the harmede self-esteem can do, huh?       

Seems like I really need to collect my thoughts and write a proper long post - I haven't had much time and energy for this recently. Study week is still in progress. I already have to exams passed. And some words are to be said:

I can't say I was particularly nervous about Monday, when I was passing Literature (it's mostly about the philological anlyses of test)... until the moment when I came to Uni and heard all the gossip (and facts) about the results of the previous group - only two nine-marks! And several fails. I hate all those pre-exam talks, but this, I must confess, was pretty disturbing.

Hell, it was so  s l o w.  I mean, I'd waited more than four hours before it was my turn to answer, but okay, nevermind, I know it was even harder for examinants than for us. I was very anxious while waiting, but felt quite calm, taking my paper with the questions, calm preparing, and even when I sat in front of three amazing philologists. I think that, desperately wishing not to fail and go home to have a nap, I've exhaled everything I new about that texts - and I saw they were satisfied, so was hoping for a 9-mark (well, for two nines, as there were two texts) - moreover, they compliment one of the works that I wrote, it was a poem analysis.

After the exam I was just flaking out and went home to have a shower, a hearty dinner and a good hot mug of tea, having asked to keep my mark in mind when it's annonced.

Guess what? 10/10! Ten for the 19th century and ten for the 20th - it's so suprising and so flattering! I haven't expected such a high mark.

Well, hopefully, the rest of the exams is gonna be fine too. I wrote a history exam this afternoon - it was not bad but could be better, probably... Okay, we'll see this Thursday. I pass German tomorrow and this is not so scary, but I wish I had time to prepare - and we have exams every day. Thanks Goodness I have a good current mark for Lingustics and don't have to pass the exam, so the Thu is relatively free - I still need to come to Uni with a record book. Marks for History will be annonced too. So no choice.

Enough for today. I'm going to look through the German grammar book and go to sleep. Gott, I love sleeping!

I pass Literature tomorrow. Good luck to me.


Let the fun begin!

Exam Fever.

Okay, the half-year is actually over (I've written a big German test and the Philosophie work on Conan Doyle's stories today), now the Study Week begins. Yikes! The more I think, the less ready I feel, but I don't feel as nervous before the previous study week - it was sooo wasy, though! This one is tougher, mostly because of the History exam, abouth which I'm quite worried - History is not my best subject.

The only consolation is my current mark for Linguistics course, it's 9 - but A.F. haven't checked the module essay yet, I hope it's fine. So it looks like I don't have to pass Lingustics and only need to bring me record book. Please, God of Linguistics, let the essay be good!


I sound nerdish and go to sleep. Gute Nacht.

icelandic voices/relentlessly craving wanderlust.

One of the most beautiful things I've heard this far. So scarily magical.

I've sacrifised two hours of sleeping to write an English report on biotechnology but now it's finally over and, thank Goodness, I have 15 minutes for another cup of coffee and another couple of The Velvet Underground's songs before rushing to the German class. Luckily enough, my schedule this week is not so tight and I have time to study by myself - a good deal of things to do, the Study Week is to come. The very first exam is on Monday and I am kind of curious to see what is going to be like, as they didn't give us any questions in advance.     

I see, I remember, even feel, but don't identify and don't relate.

what's wrong? i can't get it. i've just run out of energy. 




i want to be in a European city, inside a cosy flat, near the fireplace, lying on the floor, absorbing the music, swallowing books like pills, watching movies with Marlene, cuddling in the blanket, drinking coffee, drinking tea, drinking (and eating) chocolate, drinking wine, and let it snow outside.


Nietzsche suffered from headaches all his life! And once he went mad and then died. If this holycrap doesn't end I will join precious Herr Nietzsche and we'll talk about Dostoevsky and about me exaggerating godlessly. 

The love of my childhood. I've just remembered. It makes me cry. Oh, "Cats" <3

No winter spirit at all - maybe I need to have a little sugar rush and have a mug of cocoa with marshmallows, eat a gingerbread man and rewatch "Home Alone" or something. Oh, what a cliche I am!

Anyway, no time. As always.

I must confess I am fascinated. I definetly didn't expect the protest to be this peaceful - a lot of respect to the people.

People tell me: you are hardworking. you are a work-o-holic.

And they are somewhat right. I work a lot. I work harder then ever - I should admit it, indeed. But it is a little deeper and not showing me from the best side: it is just my hard ego, my vanity and volatile self-esteem and you know what, I still feel like I am not doing right or not doing enough or just, I don't know, I want the results and I am either blind or way too impatient.

I know I promised not to talk about politics anymore (have I? well,  I intended not to...) but oh dear! it's a vicious circle: the city is rebelling, there's gonna big a huge rebel tomorrow but the trouble is that there's no alternative to the current government.

Pretty sad.

current mood/s. playlist.

IAMX - Bernadette

The Velvet Underground - Ocean

Lydia Lunch - Gloomy Sunday

I long for travelling. For changing the scenery. For foreign speech around and the sound of airplanes and aeroports and maps and hotel rooms and European breezes and I just want to switch to something, my attention wants to be distracted.  

I sound pathetic, but.

Everytime I think I could tolerate this place, I shiver - something shows that I truly can't. Look at this. What a freakshow, what a circus, what a shame. Only blind cannot see.

My decisions are right. They has always been - not all the decision, but the certain resolution I've made years ago - the question is, what is the key and where is the path.

And yes. I will always take this personally, all the words about traitors and rats running from the sunken ship. But I am more the rat locked inside the ship now.

T.S. Eliot

It's one of the funniest and loveliest things I've read this far.

THE NAMING OF CATS

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.

First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey -
All of them sensible everyday names.

There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter.
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter-
But all of them sensible everyday names.

But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignigied,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?

Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum-
Names that never belong to more than one cat.

But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover-
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess

When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:

His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name.

I'm reading Goethe's "Faust" over now, I've just been feeling that I need thi, it's been a long while... Now I feel like I read something completely differently but it suits me - my mind, thoughts, my inner demons, everything - so perfectly. One of the eternal books - always relevant.

I’d pack myself off to the Devil, in disgrace,

If I weren’t a Devil myself already!   (c) Mephistopheles 

I had a wonderful Saturday which made me love my Faculty and Uni, but now a new week has come and I realise that it's already the 5th of December, and the New Year is to come soon, and I probably have to make a summary of the year but it has always driven me mad, and this year is different, this thing is unlikely to change - I'll go mad if I try to summarise this year, just a one whole frenzy.

And I neither feel winter or holiday spirit.  

When you have politics, who needs circus?

I am tired. The week was somewhat relaxed - with a couple of unplesant events like an almost failed blietz-test. No energy for typing... Elena Kostykovich's lecture was good, I'm reading "Faust" over, the political situation here is a circus, I am terrified (by December and exams). I'm gone. 

Dadaism.

We have quite a funny task for tomorrow's Philosophy seminare - two groups are debating whether Marcel Duchamp's "Fountain" is a work of art or not. I'm in a defending team, we've made a speech and will do well, hopefully.

But heck, have you seen this masterpiece? It's an urinal! I really don't understand how people can get this seriously - and I bet Duchamp himself didn't. Though, I think he was an insteresting figure and art history. And had a lot of influence on it's further development - good or bad, but he did.

It's December and I am terrified.

I have a topic for the courserwok!
I have a topic!
I have a topic!



Sorry. Couldn't resist. 

With Mom.

Mom: I want to Germany. I want to UK. I want to Fracne again. I want to Italy. I want to travel.

Me: I want to Luxembourg.

Mom: ...

Curtain's down.

Brodsky.

This is so beautiful I could cry.

"A Christmas Ballad"

In anguish unaccountable
the steady ship that burns at dark,
the small shy streetlamp of the night,
floats out of Alexander Park
in the exhaustion of dull bricks.
Like a pale-yellow, tiny rose,
it drifts along, past lovers’ heads
and walkers’ feet.
In anguish unaccountable
sleep-walkers, drunkards, float like bees.
A stranger sadly snaps a shot
of the metropolis by night;
a cab with squeamish passengers
jolts loudly to Ordynka Street,
and dead men stand in close embrace
with private homes.
In anguish unaccountable
a melancholy poet swims
along the town. Beside a shop
for kerosene, a porter stands,
round-faced and sad. A ladies’ man,
now old, lopes down a dingy street.
A midnight wedding party sways
in anguish unaccountable.
On Moscow’s murky south-side streets
a random swimmer sadly floats.
A Jewish accent wanders down
a yellowed melancholy stair.
A fragile beauty swims alone
from New Year’s Eve to Saturday,
exchanging love for bitterness,
unable to explain her grief.
The chilly evening floats above
our eyes; two trembling snowflakes strike
the bus. A pale and numbing wind
slaps reddened hands. The honey-gold
of evening-lamps flows out; a scent
of halvah fills the air. The Eve
of Christmas holds the pie of heaven
above its head.
Your New Year’s Day floats on a wave,
within the city’s purple sea,
in anguish unaccountable—
as though life will begin anew,
and we will live in fame and light
with sure success and bread to spare;
as though, from lurching to the left,
life will swing right.


1962


Check the russian version if you want to: http://www.world-art.ru/lyric/lyric.php?id=7375

I am going to repeat myself, but considering the fact that my moving is kinda cyclical it's okay.

I am out of time, I float somewhere in-between. I float, I fall, I rise, I drown, I float, I float, float, float.

I like the word "float", okay.

Actually, I've just realised it's the end of November and it freaked me out a tiny bit.

friday night is was. almost.

Webcam Dictatorship.



Saturday Bliss.

I've finished the deeds in the morning/afternoon so the evening was relatively free. I finally met my friend and went to Starbucks for a gingerbread latte, funny enough, I couldn't do this before.
I don't forget about that great program on Kultura TV-channel, the episode was about Marlene Dietrich today - can't wait for the one about Andy, oh! And I am hooked by the Bertrand Russel's book, I've not expected it to be this interesting. The History of Western Philosophy.

Everything is in the x-mas/new yesr decorations. Already! I think I'm lost in time.

A little fly in the ointment: this darn headache is back. Urgh.

I. Am. So. Tired. By the end of the work week. I. Can't. Even. TYPE.  

I'd love to have two alternatives: to hybernate til the New Year Eve

or

too have a time turner and a self-renewing supply of strong coffee and persimmongs.
although right now I'd rather prefer having a cup of gingerbread latte.

no (much) sleep, no eternal supply, no Starbucks for me now. SOS!

In case you have forgotten what my face looks like.

stupidface.

deeper.

I have this nauseous feeling of standing on the shaky ground. Something is disharmonious and I don't even now how too fight this , because I feel it coming from the inside.


My insecurities are back. I don't want to boast about the i-think-too-much thing again, but I feel all these issues rising inside me, crawling in my chest, filling me, even taking over sometimes and, finally (?), coming out with feeling mediocre. Mediocre. Middling. What a word. Not actually grey - but mediocre. And worthless. Where it all comes from? I could blame it the unfinished action effect,  as you might know (or not - I don't remember writing about this openly) I haven't succeeded in something this summer in spite of putting so many efforts in eat. I dissapointed... well, mostly myself. It doesn't let me relax. Reminding: finish this, finish, finish. I deserved the place... Didn't I? Don't I? Probably no.


But I believe this started earlier. It certainly did, but who cares? I am the one to blame. It's all me, always me, only me complicating my life, only me bothering too much, me trying to meet my own expectations, me being afraid of failure - again - desperatly. 

short summary.

1) I have troubles with my coursework. With choosing a topic, to be certain. I don't want to go deeper in the details, it tires me, but this just pisses me off. Darn.

2) I'm still coughing and also go through headaches, I had a couple of nose bleedings, not sure whether it is connected. I don't mean it as kind of whining, just saying. I need to relax.

3) On our Monday English classes we discuss our home reading, and after discussing the thrilling episode with a good deal of suspense (in case you've read "Dandelion Wine" - remember Lavinia Nebbs and the Lonely One?) it felt really creepy to go home by dark stairs. Yikes! Bring the elevator back! (!!)

4) It's cold.

5) Darn mediocre feeling.

6) I want to flee far away. And a mug of cocoa, please.

7) To sum up - I'm tired and whiny today. Forget it.

Black Sabbath Solitude

Drives me mad.

I really like this new show on "Kultura" TV-channel which is pretenciously called "The greatest show on Earth" - a thing to argue about, believe, as the host overacts and the special effects look cheap, but I like it even in spite of that. I like how the show is presented and, mostly, I like what they show and talk about. These are series of short docmentaries about the most famous people in history, of different occupations - Nietzsche, Lewis Caroll, Salvador Dali, Marlene Dietrich and so on. You are suggested to put on the role of the person of each episode and look at everything through his eyes - not sure if they've succeeded but it's still curious!

There was a documentary about Fridrich Nietzsche today. I couldn't wait for this to begin, I find Nietzsche an equistly interesting figure and really think that he is basically misunderstood - has always been. Which doesn't mean I share all of his ideas - moreover, I am actually not familiar with every single work of his and have just a general picture in my head, which is to be improved. But the way he used to think is curious.
It's sad that he ended up being a madman.   

Damn this. I just mean, I start thinking too much again and this has always been so destrusctive because I end up feeling mediocre, worthless, notgoodenough and, worst of all, lonely. So - damn thinking things over, hooray for being busy and exhausted.

Eh.

Homework is my only friend for this weekend! Can you feel my proud indignation?

I didn't write a single word here yestarday, saving some thoughts for today but now everything i was going to say feels a lot like whining of some kind.   

I've chosen Bulgakov's feulliotons about Moscow for my course work. This is kind of exciting for me.

I've studied here for two months and a half now and I can't believe this is the first (!) time I miss studies. I remember using every excuse for staying at home when I was a schoolkid! Kind of weird. I shoouldn't have gone anywhre yesterday, I felt like such a crap - there were just no use of me.  

However, I feel much better and will be back to Uni tomorrow. And  I've actually done quite a lot today. I even feel a little bit guilty because I was supposed to have a rest. Well, I chose working in a relaxed mode - not bad either, huh? Urgh, I've never been this much of a nerd.

milk and honey.

This is gonna be a tough week, I feel this. Nevermind, I'll survive.


Okay, and now I want to finish my mug of milk with honey and read some Oscar Wilde (over and over, again and again). 

priorities & mentalities (c)

It's fascinating. It really is, not in a good way, how with all the time this place hasn't really changed much. It's stuck on its worst points, staying the same, always the same.

It was like that in Ivan the Terrible times.

It was in Peter the Great times.

It was in 19th century.

It was, worse than ever, in Soviet-fucking-times.

(I was surprised to learn that the word perestroika doesn't have an alternative in English language, in this certain meaning. Not very suprised, though - pretty explainable).

It was in post Soviet first years.


It is now.

In a global meaning. The essence of this place hasn't changed, when so many things has. The principles? Priorities? Values? Even the society? Well, at least the shell has changes, the cover, the wrapper, but not the mentality. And I feel that the Decision I made years ago is right and still very relevant, so I am more tolerant now, and not so feverishly obssesed, but I am still certain in my Decision, dedicated and faithful to it.

It's a question of time. I can't miss the chance when it comes. 

I am ill. I want mulled wine. I want cocoa. I want marzipan. I want movies. I want books - want Nabokov, Woolf, english ghost stories, immortal Bulgakov. I miss Europe. I don't wanna do anything. I don't want to write essays. I don't want to read history books. I don't want to think of the topic for my coursework. I don't want to wake up early the whole next week. I hate the subway in the morning. I am feverish.

Phew! I pushed the month limit of whining! My conscience is clear! Actually I've completed some tasks and take medecine and drink a lot of tea like a good girl, I need to be recovered by Monday. I will.    

I have a sore throat. I hope it won't get worse because I just can't miss studies now, a lot of important lectures and seminars are to come. I know I need to stay home tomorrow but it's not really convenient now. I won't be home 'til six tomorrow. Sheisse. Poor throat, help yourself.

I look forward to tomorrow to meet my Alexandrina, even though our plans on going to the cinema collapsed.


And write now I, completely overdriven, am going to have a cup of herbal tea for the good sleep and go to bed. And then I'll wake up in Friday and will be fine.

DAMN.

Sneaker Pimps - Black sheep.

Repeatrepeatrepeat. I actually stopped counting.

I feel tired and, actually, slightly out of sorts (just because I hate being this amoebic) the whole day but I still managed to make the day quite productive so it's okay.

It was snowing today. Not a real snow but still.

It's getting quite cold. I've been thinking about some pleasent things connected with winer (christmas ornaments, seasonal drinks, snowfalls, clementines, etc.) but completely forgot HOW FREAKIN' COLD it can be. Yikes! And how I hate winter clothes...well, not always.

Quite a weird start of the week. I overslept horribly (but still came in time). The whole day was tiresome (what a torture - going through it without caffeine!) but not bad.

I am back to being busy, which means - back to normal.


And I crave chocolate and want to read/re-read some Nabokov's stories.


What a boring post. Shame on me.

Lydia Lunch.

I absolutely adore her now.

now playing: Hole - Awful.

What a dissonance. It was such a beautiful autumn day and I spent it writing about the death symbols, cemetery cypresses, gloomy image of Saint Petersburg and evil moon, observing the sufferings of the lyrical heroine in one of Akhmatova's poems.
  

The Heron and the Crane.

An adorable thing by Yuriy Norshteyn. English subtitles (though very well done) look funny here :)

now playing: IAMX - Lulled by numbers

Home alone tonight. And if you think that I am going to throw a party and/or get  drunk you are wrong. But it's unlikely that you think so. And yes, I am going to write a bit for my 20th century literature work - that I am supposed ti have finished by the end of the month - and read some Bradbury. And probably watch a movie, if I don't fall asleep. Three-day-weekend, huh! Plans of the same kind for tomorrow (okay, library and shopping). Ah, and eating grapes, but I guess it's not worth mentioning.

Okay, I am gone to study. Hello, A.A.* and see you, Blogger.

*Anna Akhmatova

Yuriy Norshteyn's master class was really good - even though I've started floating in space by the end of the evening. Just due to being tired.

His imagination is amazing. And his passion for what he's doing, I wish I will be as passionate for my job as him one day. And I love how he sees art. He's an animator, but he was talking about everything - cinematograph, music, literature, painting. Everyone who creates something is an artist. And literaure can be a kind of cinematograph, and everything is connected tightly.

I love this point of view, it's close to me - I have always seen a writer as a kind of artist. In my last essay a comared a writer (in a broad meaning) to a demiurge, but why can't demiurge be an artist?

Yuriy Norshteyn is giving a master class in our Uni tomorrow. Kind of curious, I'm going to attend this.


Four lectures tomorrow and three days of rest - having too much rest is weird or it's just me paranoid.

I am tired and moody. I guess I better go to sleep until I've made someone else moody.

Maybe a bit of sleep will do me some good?

The second module has begun. Oficially. (I was supposed to write it yesterday). Seems like I am going to have even less time than usually and to be even more tired - pretty horrifying but I am sure I will manage this although I haven't decided how yet.  It's not like I have a choice, actually.


We were told to start choosing topics for our coursework - okay, firsly texts and then topics - so thinking, thinking, thinking. I have some ideas but they are a little vague. I the texts I would like to work with in my head, but the topics! It's yet to decide.

Halloween playlist to share.

And, of course, here're classics!

Pumpkins scream.

As Flickr has some troubles, I will share some pictures here! A boring Halloween, actually! No parties, no costumes, no candies (why, by the way? I just haven't thought about them, it seems so), no time for movies! Well, Jack-the-lantern and Halloween songs are here!
                                

                                      

Get ready for the Halloween songs!

A lovely day it was - with nice talks, long walks and hot mocha coffee. Back to studies tomorrow - and I am a bit annoyed, not by this fact, but because I have a 3-hour-gap between two lectures and I have no clue what am I supposed to do - to go home or just wander around? Hmmmmm.

Bulgakov's house is athmosperic and cosy and the black cat called Behemoth (guess why!) that lives there is huge and lazy - as always. I love this place. I love his novels and stories. I love Bulgakov.

plans and so on.

My little rest is going to its end. I have some lovely plans for tomorrow - going to the Bulgakov's House with a friend of mine, then getting back home and carving a pumpkin lantern. And maybe to reatch something of T.B.'s things? Anyway, Monday is a first day of the 2-d module. Weird enough but I feel like I am ready.

It's still a pity I don't go anywhere for a Halloween party. Moreover, the 31st itself is a studying day and I'm busy firm 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. Yikes! Couldn't resist buying a mini-hat, though.

Funny. When I can't hang out due to having no time people take this personally - but I am just honest. Isn't it a tiny bit childish? I understand them, it sounds like an excuse, but what if this is true? These people were never really busy, probably.

Now it's me who sounds childish!

I went to the cinema to watch "Puss in boots" today and liked it - the cartoon was lovely (in spite of some below-the-belt jokes) and very relaxing. The Puss is just adorable. Those eyes!

But apparently I'm not going to the Tim Burton Movie Night - it's quite sad. But not too sad. I can make a T.B. movie night mysekf, can't I? ;D  

Every time is a right time for David Bowie.

Maybe I'm still on my own wave after the exam but this made me laugh so hard!

A wonderfully lazy day filled with books, music and movies. Well, not actually movies - I think I watched some TV shows/series - what I don't usually do, but whatever, who cares. I had a serious intention to go out for some shopping (when did I do this for the last time?) but when I, fully dressed and with a make-up on, came to the door... I just understood that I was too lazy to go outside and wanted to stay in. Done!

Anyway, no more lazy days for me - I need to add some action.   

green tea, late morning.

Having nothing to do seems weird. I've absolutely forgotten what it's like to have spare time and 4 days even seem to feel like holidays.

Now I'm trying to supress an urge to make a German homework - it CAN wait. Have I also forgotten how to relax? Relax.

I think I am ready to remember. Let the fun begin. 


Or it's more like "let the laziness begin" in my case right now.

...I got a 10 somehow. I'm still so astonished by that, I haven't really expected the highest mark for the exam, and just asked:
Huh? Seriously? 

I think I can be proud of myself but I still don't know the module mark and it's not gonna be higher than 8.

But damn, I have four days of rest now! Oh la la <3


P.S. Started reading Lermontov's "The Duchess Ligovskaya". Oh, I wish he didn't leave the novel unfinished! 

Just got my average mark for the Philosphy course - for this moment, not counting the exam. It's much worse than I expected, damn all the blietz tests! I need to improve it tomorrow, or, sorry, I MUST. 

Exams in progress.

Well, records, not exams. The only exam of this study week is tomorrow and I feel more and more anxious. So, at this moment I have 9 for English and 9 for Academic Writing (on the 10-scale) which doesn't seem any bad, but failing Philosophy tomorrow might well spoil the situation. Gott, what a nonscence, I won't fail, but I don't want to have an average result.

Haven't I mentioned the ranking system of my Uni? It gets on my nerves. But I must admit it's pretty motivating.    

the trouble is me.

I see such chaotic dreams at night, it's gonna make me nuts soon. I see Plato, okay, understandable, but my own conscience? No matter whose face it had, it was my consience, telling me I was a darn looser and that I wasn't doing enough to complete an uncompleted thing of this summer.

The trouble is that this voice doesn't shut up when I wake up. I am fighting, but is it what I am supposed to do now? Shouldn't I just enjoy the moment and work hard? Ok - fighting equals working hard in my case, but I am too conscious and paranoid now. 

Plato was one of the first hipsters, apparently. So obsessed with triangles.

webcam boredom.

My head is going to explode! I need a break. And I'm having a break, actually - I'll be back to croping Plato in a couple of hours... or sooner. Hopefully.
I have the most difficult questions for the exam left. Meh.

If I had no headache this would be easier, I don't know what the hell happens! I haven't really suffered from  headaches this week, maybe except of Friday but I blamed it on my nerves. I have to make a trip to pharamcy I guess or just have another cup of coffee. 

I'm a nerd.

The colloquium was fine, mI shouldn't have worried, and now the study week is to begim. It feels somewhat relaxing, I know,I have an exam, but it's only a one! Still have to be prepared the best I'm able to be, though. The Academic Writind recorg is nothing serious, just a discussion of our final (for this module) essays - I've written it, but haven't sent yet, I still have to throw out 200 signs and I have no idea what the hell to mark out. What for the English record, I feel pretty confident.

We are probably the only students in Russia who think about the study week as a kind of rest (not totally but in some way - no lectures, no seminares, we can focus once for a while). we have a couple of free days then which is a kind of a rare thing too - but out tutors are speaking like we're going away for a 2-months-holiday or something and we have loads of homework! cheers!


well. I'm still worried about the exam, in case you think opposite!

mediocre.

Funny and annoying, quite a lot of the people I know or have ever known still think that I study Journalism (and I didn't even apply for a place on a journalistic faculty!), I'm used to it, but yesterday I had such a conversation with my primary-school-classmates:

- I thought you are going to be in a Literature University!
- Oh, no, thanks! But uhm, well, I study philology. it's not that far.

I guess some of them are still not quite sure what exactly I study. And there was another question, one of the first I got:

- Do you still write books?

I used to write a lot as kid, I used to write a lot in my teens, but I haven't written that much now, for some reason. I feel uninspired.

- I don't have any time.

I was ashamed to day about my writer's block.


But I want to write again SO BADLY. I want to bleed, puke (no forbidden words for a philologist! [c]), inhale, exhale lines, rhymes, plots, everything, just as I used to!

But I feel so empty. And mediocre.

I've met my very first classmates today and my primary school teacher. We had a great time and lots of fun remembering funny childhood moments.

But tomorrow is the colloquium  Imentioned and now I am nervous, I can't help - I know I am well-prepared but the fact I went somewhere except of nerding seems wrong. Well, I guess THIS shoud be concerned wrong not the fact that I had a couple of hours of  fun, finally! 

I'm listen quietly to David Bowie and trying to prepare for the Philosophy colloquium.


I will see my first teacher tomorrow, hopefully.

I feel very much like ST rewatching again.

I can't describe it, something feels wrong, I am probably too concious.

If I manage to have a nice Halloween celebration this year, this will be amazing. Fingers crossed!  And I finally found an orange pumpkin.

Note to self: buy lace tights and a mini-top-hat.


Nemi loves Halloween either!

I wonder why my groupmates write me to ask questiones about a lingustics essay. No, it's flattering, but still - why me? I'm not really keen on it. Weird.

And I feel so nerdy! But there's no other way as the study week is terribly close. Apparently I have two records (English and Academic Writing) and an exam (Philosophy).

The thought about an exam freaks me out, I have three books to read which wouldn't be a problem if I had more time for this.

Nietzsche said that philoligist is a "teacher of slow reading" but right now it's more like uberfast reading! But I am a philologist in progress, not a real one.

Everytime I think I can't be any more busy and tired it turns that I was mistaken.

loneliness is the key to break that spell (c)

i have this little melancholic lonliness attacks again. without an actual reason.
the thing that saves me now is, paradoxally, having no time for all the thoughts of this kind.

The Cave

Another one.

The Cave: An Adaptation of Plato's Allegory in Clay

I needed this for studying but this is really interesting. Watch.

I got a 9 for my literature record work! I feel somewhat proud, once in a while. The highest mark is 10 but, eh, this is a kind of a mythological thing - nobody ever gets it. Well, except for languages - but language classes are different, being closer to school lessons.

Time is flying way to fast. I don't think I can get it. Honestly, I just can't.

Trick or treat?

I have no idea how, where and with whom to spend the Halloween. If I am able to spend it like a year ago, just chilling, watching Sweeney Todd over for the 1000th time and eating brownies this alone will be good. The problem is that I'm not sure if this gonna work. October, 31d is Monday. Hell.

Well, actually, Halloween of 2009 is the best this far.

October chronicles.

Oh, I love this thing!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/

sunday notes.

I've been only posting late in the evening recently! Okay, so, the recent news - I suppose I haven't written much about everyday things for a while.

• I finished my literature "project"- well, a record work, actually - sent it to the professor and now I feel somewhat nervous. But it's passable, hopefully. The problem is that I want it to be outstanding and I'm not sure if I've done enough.
• It's October 9th - 13 days til the study week. Getting creeps!

• I want to bake a pie, wish me luck as I'm not the best cooker.
• I want a new camera.
• October is in it's splendor.

• Ah, and Grandma made Mom pass me a generous deal of viburnum berries. I have no idea what to do with it, I have never really understood these things! They are too bitter to eat! I know, know, these berries has a lot of health benefits and I need some support for my health now, but, ew, how is it possible to even swallow them? Still love Grandma, of course.

I definetly needed this break. It's been a while since I went somewhere with my friends or one of them.

It's great to have someone you feel somfortable with.