deeper.

I have this nauseous feeling of standing on the shaky ground. Something is disharmonious and I don't even now how too fight this , because I feel it coming from the inside.


My insecurities are back. I don't want to boast about the i-think-too-much thing again, but I feel all these issues rising inside me, crawling in my chest, filling me, even taking over sometimes and, finally (?), coming out with feeling mediocre. Mediocre. Middling. What a word. Not actually grey - but mediocre. And worthless. Where it all comes from? I could blame it the unfinished action effect,  as you might know (or not - I don't remember writing about this openly) I haven't succeeded in something this summer in spite of putting so many efforts in eat. I dissapointed... well, mostly myself. It doesn't let me relax. Reminding: finish this, finish, finish. I deserved the place... Didn't I? Don't I? Probably no.


But I believe this started earlier. It certainly did, but who cares? I am the one to blame. It's all me, always me, only me complicating my life, only me bothering too much, me trying to meet my own expectations, me being afraid of failure - again - desperatly.