summary attempt and wishes.

I need to summarize the year and I literally can't! I've never known how to do this, recollecting all the things that happened during the year drives me half-mad.

It was an important year, life-changing, I'd say. Not the easiest one, this crazy january-febuary, crazy spring, absolutely frantic - if not  horrible - summer with a feeling of constant waiting, of sickening suspence and, after all, disappointment.

The craziest autumn ever, but not the worst one. Far not the worst. Adaptation and....

I've learnt so much in these four last months of 2011, and I don't only mean studies (this, surely, too), but just such a plentyu of things about myself. I think that some new sides of my character have been revelead, those that just had no way  out before. Good sides? Perphaps. Bad? Okay, maybe - in some way.

This year I:

Graduated. passed state exams, got enrolled to the HSE, completed two study weeks. 

I was anxious, I was disappointed, I was desperate, I was sceptical, I was apathetic, surprised, proud, excited, very tired, satisfied, suspicious, hopeful, miserable, astonished.

I had fun - yes.
I was sad - yes.
I've changed  - yes.   


And I am not afraid to let 2011 go. I am ready for a new year, having enough lugagge to take there, but hoping to leave some things here. Ready. Set. Go!


Happy Upcoming New Year. everyone!

Be happy and find satisfaction and harmony in what you do!

PHEW.

I'm ought to write about the study week results, but I don't feel like going into details and will just tell it was a complete craze and I am inexpressibly happy it's finally over! I think I won't go beyong the bare facts. So, marks:

The key texts of Russian literature (19th, 20th centuries) - 10/10 for the exam, 9 - final.
History - 10, which is quite astonishing. I was like - wh-wh-what? seriously? Seriously. Ten.*
German - 9.
Basic linquistics - 9.
Philosophy - 8.

Not bad. Hope to get a proper place in these goddamn ratings.

*We've got an email with an attached list of our marks and there 9 is stated instead of ten - I had to write them and tell it's not correct and I have the highest mark in my record book, signed by O. Well, they actually send us this list to check before forming the ratings - check, using our record books. O. defined pretty clearly what my mark was and called me first because of that, so nothing to worry about.

I feel like I was kind of lucky this time, surprisingly. But anyway, I hope it's not only luck but a bit of my own merit. And it was immesuarably flattering to be noticed by so great philologists - in some way. I am grateful, I really am.

But still, The Unfinishe Thing is left on my hands and I have to do something with it. I was to succeed this summer. I didn't, but it gave me a push forward. Fascinating, how much the harmede self-esteem can do, huh?       

Seems like I really need to collect my thoughts and write a proper long post - I haven't had much time and energy for this recently. Study week is still in progress. I already have to exams passed. And some words are to be said:

I can't say I was particularly nervous about Monday, when I was passing Literature (it's mostly about the philological anlyses of test)... until the moment when I came to Uni and heard all the gossip (and facts) about the results of the previous group - only two nine-marks! And several fails. I hate all those pre-exam talks, but this, I must confess, was pretty disturbing.

Hell, it was so  s l o w.  I mean, I'd waited more than four hours before it was my turn to answer, but okay, nevermind, I know it was even harder for examinants than for us. I was very anxious while waiting, but felt quite calm, taking my paper with the questions, calm preparing, and even when I sat in front of three amazing philologists. I think that, desperately wishing not to fail and go home to have a nap, I've exhaled everything I new about that texts - and I saw they were satisfied, so was hoping for a 9-mark (well, for two nines, as there were two texts) - moreover, they compliment one of the works that I wrote, it was a poem analysis.

After the exam I was just flaking out and went home to have a shower, a hearty dinner and a good hot mug of tea, having asked to keep my mark in mind when it's annonced.

Guess what? 10/10! Ten for the 19th century and ten for the 20th - it's so suprising and so flattering! I haven't expected such a high mark.

Well, hopefully, the rest of the exams is gonna be fine too. I wrote a history exam this afternoon - it was not bad but could be better, probably... Okay, we'll see this Thursday. I pass German tomorrow and this is not so scary, but I wish I had time to prepare - and we have exams every day. Thanks Goodness I have a good current mark for Lingustics and don't have to pass the exam, so the Thu is relatively free - I still need to come to Uni with a record book. Marks for History will be annonced too. So no choice.

Enough for today. I'm going to look through the German grammar book and go to sleep. Gott, I love sleeping!

I pass Literature tomorrow. Good luck to me.


Let the fun begin!

Exam Fever.

Okay, the half-year is actually over (I've written a big German test and the Philosophie work on Conan Doyle's stories today), now the Study Week begins. Yikes! The more I think, the less ready I feel, but I don't feel as nervous before the previous study week - it was sooo wasy, though! This one is tougher, mostly because of the History exam, abouth which I'm quite worried - History is not my best subject.

The only consolation is my current mark for Linguistics course, it's 9 - but A.F. haven't checked the module essay yet, I hope it's fine. So it looks like I don't have to pass Lingustics and only need to bring me record book. Please, God of Linguistics, let the essay be good!


I sound nerdish and go to sleep. Gute Nacht.

icelandic voices/relentlessly craving wanderlust.

One of the most beautiful things I've heard this far. So scarily magical.

I've sacrifised two hours of sleeping to write an English report on biotechnology but now it's finally over and, thank Goodness, I have 15 minutes for another cup of coffee and another couple of The Velvet Underground's songs before rushing to the German class. Luckily enough, my schedule this week is not so tight and I have time to study by myself - a good deal of things to do, the Study Week is to come. The very first exam is on Monday and I am kind of curious to see what is going to be like, as they didn't give us any questions in advance.     

I see, I remember, even feel, but don't identify and don't relate.

what's wrong? i can't get it. i've just run out of energy. 




i want to be in a European city, inside a cosy flat, near the fireplace, lying on the floor, absorbing the music, swallowing books like pills, watching movies with Marlene, cuddling in the blanket, drinking coffee, drinking tea, drinking (and eating) chocolate, drinking wine, and let it snow outside.


Nietzsche suffered from headaches all his life! And once he went mad and then died. If this holycrap doesn't end I will join precious Herr Nietzsche and we'll talk about Dostoevsky and about me exaggerating godlessly. 

The love of my childhood. I've just remembered. It makes me cry. Oh, "Cats" <3

No winter spirit at all - maybe I need to have a little sugar rush and have a mug of cocoa with marshmallows, eat a gingerbread man and rewatch "Home Alone" or something. Oh, what a cliche I am!

Anyway, no time. As always.

I must confess I am fascinated. I definetly didn't expect the protest to be this peaceful - a lot of respect to the people.

People tell me: you are hardworking. you are a work-o-holic.

And they are somewhat right. I work a lot. I work harder then ever - I should admit it, indeed. But it is a little deeper and not showing me from the best side: it is just my hard ego, my vanity and volatile self-esteem and you know what, I still feel like I am not doing right or not doing enough or just, I don't know, I want the results and I am either blind or way too impatient.

I know I promised not to talk about politics anymore (have I? well,  I intended not to...) but oh dear! it's a vicious circle: the city is rebelling, there's gonna big a huge rebel tomorrow but the trouble is that there's no alternative to the current government.

Pretty sad.

current mood/s. playlist.

IAMX - Bernadette

The Velvet Underground - Ocean

Lydia Lunch - Gloomy Sunday

I long for travelling. For changing the scenery. For foreign speech around and the sound of airplanes and aeroports and maps and hotel rooms and European breezes and I just want to switch to something, my attention wants to be distracted.  

I sound pathetic, but.

Everytime I think I could tolerate this place, I shiver - something shows that I truly can't. Look at this. What a freakshow, what a circus, what a shame. Only blind cannot see.

My decisions are right. They has always been - not all the decision, but the certain resolution I've made years ago - the question is, what is the key and where is the path.

And yes. I will always take this personally, all the words about traitors and rats running from the sunken ship. But I am more the rat locked inside the ship now.

T.S. Eliot

It's one of the funniest and loveliest things I've read this far.

THE NAMING OF CATS

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.

First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey -
All of them sensible everyday names.

There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter.
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter-
But all of them sensible everyday names.

But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignigied,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?

Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum-
Names that never belong to more than one cat.

But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover-
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess

When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:

His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name.

I'm reading Goethe's "Faust" over now, I've just been feeling that I need thi, it's been a long while... Now I feel like I read something completely differently but it suits me - my mind, thoughts, my inner demons, everything - so perfectly. One of the eternal books - always relevant.

I’d pack myself off to the Devil, in disgrace,

If I weren’t a Devil myself already!   (c) Mephistopheles 

I had a wonderful Saturday which made me love my Faculty and Uni, but now a new week has come and I realise that it's already the 5th of December, and the New Year is to come soon, and I probably have to make a summary of the year but it has always driven me mad, and this year is different, this thing is unlikely to change - I'll go mad if I try to summarise this year, just a one whole frenzy.

And I neither feel winter or holiday spirit.  

When you have politics, who needs circus?

I am tired. The week was somewhat relaxed - with a couple of unplesant events like an almost failed blietz-test. No energy for typing... Elena Kostykovich's lecture was good, I'm reading "Faust" over, the political situation here is a circus, I am terrified (by December and exams). I'm gone. 

Dadaism.

We have quite a funny task for tomorrow's Philosophy seminare - two groups are debating whether Marcel Duchamp's "Fountain" is a work of art or not. I'm in a defending team, we've made a speech and will do well, hopefully.

But heck, have you seen this masterpiece? It's an urinal! I really don't understand how people can get this seriously - and I bet Duchamp himself didn't. Though, I think he was an insteresting figure and art history. And had a lot of influence on it's further development - good or bad, but he did.

It's December and I am terrified.